Suit Yourself Costume Co. Bloody Cleaver ()

I'm going to excise my ramblings, leaving nothing but my assessment of the piece itself, since I have parted with all of my Silent Hill media. 

Yeah, it’s HUGE. Good. 

When I pulled this out of the package, I was genuinely bummed out. If you aren’t aware, chrome has a tendency to flake off. I tried my best to avoid it like the plague, in my toy collecting days. Unfortunately, there is indeed a tiny spot that is already barren, on the back. There was a single hope, however: It was possible that this was paint. The company’s website does state that it is, “Molded & painted to look like [a] wooden handle with [a] blood stained steel blade.” I.e., not vac-metallized.

Still, there was that one spot… Figuring I had lost out, I did something rash: I scratched it VERY FUCKING HARD, for an extended amount of time, directly over and adjacent to the offending spot. Multiple times. Nothing. Nothing at all. It makes me wonder how that damage occurred in the first place. I’m genuinely in awe of the tenacity of this alleged paint. Meaning, I’m inclined to believe them.

I mentioned that this has a back. How exactly is that the case? There’s a roughly half-dollar-sized raised area, on one side. I imagine it has something to do with the manufacturing process. It certainly forces the hand of anyone who wants to display it, or take pictures with it. You’ll also have to hope that if you have any bare spots, they’re on the same side as the circle. I recommend purchasing it at the source, or from a seller that only has one of them, and the pictures show that the blade is still wrapped in its plastic bag, not simply nakedly attached to the backing card.

There was a bit of flash, in the hole of the blade, but I was able to swiftly remove it with no hassle. It pays to know that this is distressingly hollow. Though, that’s likely a boon, as again, it is quite massive. A review on their site says that it feels good in the hand, in spite of that; I completely agree. Another says that they managed to break it, “by the end of the night.” Yeah, it’s hollow, but I can only imagine it breaking if it was actually able to reach terminal velocity from a drop onto concrete…or, were they were deliberately hitting things and/or people with it? Don’t do that. I genuinely shouldn’t have to say that, but I know that I must. Bear in mind that non-human animals are people, and that this is for individuals 14+.

Also, don’t run your finger along the edge, as there are some very resilient burrs present. They aren’t big enough to draw the eye, but they are big enough to scratch someone. I’m glad of the former, because I would not recommend sanding this. That’d definitely remove paint.

I feel compelled to mention the gradient of the blood. It’s a deep plum, at its darkest, and ruggedly pink at its peak. I approve.

Having stress-tested the paint to the extreme degree that I did, I have to admit that this is paradoxically nice, in spite of its numerous considerations. It’s comically big, but it’s kitschy fun. Unlike that other piece of shit. Still, I may start finding paint flakes the next time I clean my cabinets, so I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Whether that’s years, or simply months.

Just shy of June 2024 and we're still good. I'd say this is second to the Dolanus in terms of pieces I'm happy to keep, having left Silent Hill. It really is just a fun thing to heft, or simply see while walking by my cabinets.