Transformers Chronicle: EZ Collection Vol. 1 — Meister (2011)

You know what happened the last time Roddy went up against someone planet-sized, you bitches~

As a member of the OG Ark crew, Jazz wasn't actually a childhood favorite of mine. As much as it chagrins me, I have to acknowledge the first live-action movie for bringing him to my attention. It and its ilk are seas of disappointment, bewilderment, and pain...but damn are there always 'nuggets of worth' present to cling onto. I might get around to listing all of the ones in my purview, but for now I'll stick with crediting Movie Jazz for playing into my child/sailor-like affinity for cursing, and using my favorite butt-stupid taunt. Further kudos to Smith-Megatron for turning it around into an incredible comeback. Even if Megs had no business being THAT big, nor Jazz THAT small.

And yet, I liked that death scene. Completely incomprehensible, but true. I bought every unique version of Jazz that they released in 2007. I was in my 20s when I was incessantly transforming the Fast Action Battler. This affection attached itself to my childhood love of Hong Kong Phooey. No, I didn't stop liking it because of the possible racial insensitivity. I stopped liking it because the complete series DVD turned out to be 14 copies of the exact same episode. There's formulaic, and then there's Hong Kong Phooey. Thankfully, there's also One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. And, the extended version of The Shining.

Man, I wish I was as cool as Scatman Crothers. May he Rest In Peace.

I'll never be at the level of having naked women tastefully displayed on my walls. ...Dammit.

It turns out that I am sincerely glad I purchased this figure, given what I just went through with my (once upon a time) beloved Reveal the Shield Jazz. It's great to have a representation of his G1 alt-mode, specifically, that scales (admittedly a bit roughly) with Rodimus. It was better before Arcee showed up, but, good enough. The pegs might seem a bit scary, now, but I know how to be careful. Plus, they aren't translucent. Thank Jeebus. The Takara version is the one I came across, and it seems that the visor was changed from blue to silver. It's so small; I can live with it. I didn't even notice until I was checking the release date. The side windows aren't painted, but the front and rear are such a beautiful metallic cyan that I don't really care. Again, IT'S VERY SMALL.

The Super Music Bros. of Transformers Will Soon Be Reunited (On a Mission From Primus) out of 5

Star Wars Lightsaber Forge: Darth Vader (2021)

Contains spoilers for Ahsoka, presented in this exact color.

Welp, this was one of the best decisions of my life.

Almost a decade later, I have to admit that I care about Star Wars, again. Casually. Prequel Era ONLY. I’m once again here for Anakin and Obi-Wan. Have you seen Hayden and Ewan doing things like Agree to Disagree? Beautiful.

I found this on clearance, so I decided to make good on a long-standing idea of mine: A Vader saber for Alessa, to mirror the one I have for Heather. In that capacity, it’s even more apropos than I was expecting, but let’s put a pin in that, for a moment.

I think this is a great fucking toy. Force FX and custom saber snobs may scoff at it, but I like toys, dammit. Props are cool, but there’s an appropriateness to having the associated wares. I’m well aware of what I’ve said in the past about this economic model and how it impacts fiction. Hush. I’m moving past that. Plus, that isn’t ALWAYS the case; it isn’t inevitable.

While I’ll openly share that it’s largely hollow, the plastic is really robust. You can bang the pieces together, drop them, and roughhouse with it all as much as you’d like. It feels notably chunkier than my Luke saber and I am 100% here for it. It feels so good, in hand! The half-ring for attaching it to one’s belt is simply painted molding, but that assuages my neuroses about intricacy, and prevents it from flapping around, which is exactly all that it would do for most people. Not everyone is geared-up for cosplay. The activation button depresses for purely cosmetic/role-play reasons; there are absolutely no electronics, in any part of it.

I keep referring to it as being comprised of parts, because that’s the gimmick of this specific line of sabers: You can pretend that you are building them! Or, disassembling them for repairs. There are push-pin connectors that pop through holes, once a piece is in place. Consequently, the bottom portion can rattle a little bit, but it is NOT coming off, until you depress the pin and pull it out. There’s a BladeBuilders port present, meaning this range is backwards compatible with the line from which my other sabers derived.

The emitter requires you to screw it on, akin to a bottle cap, and it can be put on such that the shielding ends up on the wrong side. Fixing this is as simple as removing it and rotating it 180 degrees, horizontally, before screwing it back on. Even then, there’s no harm in it, other than annoying anal-retentive sticklers for detail.

The bottom piece has a molded and painted Kyber crystal, so you can pretend to bleed it. If you get a Jedi’s saber…you can commune with it? That sounds like what a Jedi would do, since in this case the Force has already lead you to it—it’s already been placed in the saber! It’s a fun role-play feature. I approve.

That said, because of the Kyber crystal’s presence inside the hilt, you have to unscrew the emitter and remove the blade assembly wholesale, if you want to display it un-ignited. Given that putting this together and taking it apart is its raison d'être, I’m not upset, in the slightest.

On that particular note, I’m ready to return to Alessa. The physical analogy—the symbolism—of looking down its mostly hollow length is astounding. A long, dark, open pit, with red at the very bottom. It's perfect for her, and Silent Hill as a whole. Underground mine fires and karma and allusions to hell, oh my~

AND, YET…I’m getting some very real mental resistance, on this front. It’s easy to hold my other saber as a Beam Saber for Heather. It’s the colors and the fact that I still give no shits about Luke. But, after seeing Anakin use this out of suit, in Ahsoka’s show…

I’m not exactly upset that it’s refusing to be repurposed.

With The Rumor of Lucas's Return, I Think It’s Time To Remake The OT out of 5
I’m full of nuclear takes~

G1 Rodimus Prime (1986)

False advertising, ahoy! He can't bend his knees~

Yeah, I'm a Roddy guy. Balls to bones.


Please do not expect much in the way of positive commentary on Optimus. Most of any you'll see will be in regards to a small number of his toys, not the character.


It’s impossible for me to ever personally find the movie to be controversial. I had no idea that it was, until I was an adult, with internet interaction at my disposal. As a child, I only ever saw an episode or two, each, of the cartoons tied to the toys that I loved. My Mother has corroborated this fact. When I found the Transformers movie, though, I was gut-hooked. We rented it endlessly, and soon enough my Dad bought me a copy. That’s not an insignificant act, given that VHS tapes were ridiculously expensive, in those early days of the medium.

For me, Wheeljack and Windcharger are corpses. Optimus exists to die. Roddy is the center of the Transformers universe. The staggering weight of every other piece of Transformers media in existence has never been able to change that.

People love to shit on this toy. I think a lot of those people are lacking perspective. This was one of Takara and Hasbro's initial attempts at creating an original figure for the franchise, not drawn from the likes of the Micro Change and Diaclone toy lines. This is who Roddy was as a toy; this is what we had. And, it’s what I once again have, now, because it's exactly what I wanted.

I really loved the Titanium figure, in spite of some undeniable flaws, but other than being very ‘straight up and down,’ as a robot, this genuinely feels like a great G1 figure, to me. I know I’m biased; you know I’m biased. You’ve read the above. But, I genuinely mean it: this thing rules! Especially as a truck, which is only appropriate, because Roddy’s alt-mode is his most important one, just like the Dinobots. It is what sets him apart from Hot Rod, because as long as you display a Hot Rod off by itself, to overcome the matter of height, the bot modes of both incarnations are effectively the same.

“Bigger spoiler!”

Not really a significant difference. Though, I do applaud the Studio Ox design used for DX9’s Carry figure. Bigger IS better, but it isn’t a necessary change. As long as the spoiler exists in robot mode, I’m okay. Looking at you, Combiner Wars.

“More grizzled face!”

I’m honestly not here for that shit. There’s no legitimate reason he has to look like a morose motherfucker, other than to match his beleaguered attitude in Season 3. He does NOT have to look like Ollie North on depression pills. He shouldn’t! Don’t go bringing me screenshots of the movie, because he’s plenty happy in the final scene.

The truck is EVERYTHING and this later release of it is even better, as it has non-perishable plastic wheels and feet to match, replacing the original rubber and diecast ones, respectively.

I think it pertinent to mention that I've almost always found weapons to be superfluous for Transformers. As a child, I found a decent number of my TFs, that stemmed from the earliest years of the line, at thrift stores. They never had their weapons. Unless they're a part of a bot's alt-mode, I don't generally care. Believe me, it's saving me money, now, because I don't expect a given figure to be in any better, or more complete shape, than the one I had originally. Same goes for stickers. Still, I have to point out that Roddy is supposed to have his 'Photon Eliminator' and two blast shields that attach to the turret inside his trailer. Further, his spoiler IS easily removable, and as stated, I do consider that to be essential. Never had his gun or shields; probably never will.


So Many Chosen Ones, So Little Time out of 5

Studio Series '86 #16 Arcee

Ladies first.

 

Fair warning: She's the only one you can expect to see covered, here. I'm not going to lie to you, or string you along. Unlike Toei.

 

In point of fact, I'm genuinely proud of Hasbro's efforts with TF specifically, the last half-decade, or so. Lots of long-existing ladies finally getting figures, some gender-swaps, a bit of non-binary action. In a more sincere way than Sentai, crucially. Maybe I'll end up experiencing some of the newer fiction, and talk about some more ladies and other minorities, but for right now, I still hold Arcee to be the First Lady of the franchise...even though she literally isn't. I don't like Elita-1. You can probably guess why. If not, check back here, next week!

But yeah, in time, I hope to pay homage to G1 Drag Strip, not the Animated one, and Tentakil, not Scylla.

Onward!

If I recall correctly, the last time I bought Transformers was Combiner Wars. That was an incredibly mixed bag. The Stunticons were great individually, but united they were shit. That’s the price of introducing articulation to Combiners. Glaring at you, Sentai. A screw ripped out of my Skydive, filleting his nosecone. I'm not sure why I bought any of the Aerialbots outside of Alpha Bravo, though. I think they're losers.

The flaws I’m going to detail aside, Arcee here is still a HUGE step-up from that (half-)fiasco. I remember being dismayed simply viewing the floppiness of Titans Return and Power of the Primes figures, but goddamn, Arcee is insanely tight, across the board. Naughtiness half-intended~

That sturdiness feeds into one of the problems: working her right forearm makes it pop itself off. It might be slightly warped, which I could fix with some heat (younger folks, ask for an adult’s help, if yours needs similar treatment). Or, there may be a bit of additional flash inside the joint. Definitely ask for help in dealing with that sort of thing, as well.

Relatedly, in a geographic sense, she has no wrist swivels. It’s not the end of the world.

The second big issue is that her upper body doesn’t securely tab into her lower body. There is no friction present between the peg and port on mine. Or Emgo’s, from the look of it. Still, it is a case where gravity makes it, ultimately, a non-problem. She stays together just fine, as soon as you aren’t manipulating her. It’s akin to Reveal the Shield Jazz. I will say that if you don’t flip over the conjoined wheel-well portions of the rear section of the car, the backpack hugs her incredibly closely and makes her ridiculously solid.

You can remove that part if you’d like, but in-person it actually looks a lot more natural than in pictures, or video. They compressed the backpack insanely well.

She is a reworking of the first ‘standard’ Arcee ever released, which was part of the Thrilling 30 line. I like the small amount of black coloration present on that one, but that’s my personal color biases talking, not the screen-dictated truth of how G1 Arcee looks. I.e., I consider this one to be the superior incarnation.

At one point, a friend said they were going to send me an Animated Arcee. Unfortunately, he never did, meaning I’ve been waiting 38 years for this.

Is it worth it?

In spite of a bit of momentary, reactionary whinging/moping over the forearm and waist connection, yeah. Yeah, it is. Especially when set beside Rodimus. I’m now considering going out of my intended order to get a Kup or Springer, next. Because, the movie is just magic.

Feels good man.

(Outside of Jazz) The Original Ark Crew Just Isn’t For Me out of 5