BMC Toys American Hero Collector Series: Authentic Bowie Knife (2022)

 

I'm going to excise my ramblings, leaving nothing but my assessment of the piece itself, since I have parted with all of my Silent Hill media.

It’s incredibly lightweight, could use some weathering, and shrieks a bit, if you squeeze the handle. I would say, ‘just don’t do that,’ and honestly you shouldn’t, but it can take it, if you’re in mind to do your own stress-testing. It’s akin to Leonardo’s katana, in that its equivalent of a hilt is similarly held together with screws. Twice as many as Mr. Blue Dye’s is, in fact. While the blade can take a decent amount of force, I’m not sure I agree with the packaging that 3+ is the appropriate age range; a particularly aggressive child could easily wreck this thing. For an adult collector, it’s a sure bet. I’d feel perfectly comfortable dropping it. It’s deliberately folding it in half that concerns me.

If you have the talent necessary to dirty this up, it will look a LOT better. Especially the handle, as it is molded to resemble wood-grain and has a number of faux screws to match the real ones, on the back. Wonderful for cosplay, or young, careful and considerate history buffs, given that there’s even facts about Jim Bowie and the Alamo, on the back of the card! Makes me want to visit a museum (and its gift shop) with Henry Rollins, in tow.

Suit Yourself Costume Co. Bloody Cleaver ()

I'm going to excise my ramblings, leaving nothing but my assessment of the piece itself, since I have parted with all of my Silent Hill media. 

Yeah, it’s HUGE. Good. 

When I pulled this out of the package, I was genuinely bummed out. If you aren’t aware, chrome has a tendency to flake off. I tried my best to avoid it like the plague, in my toy collecting days. Unfortunately, there is indeed a tiny spot that is already barren, on the back. There was a single hope, however: It was possible that this was paint. The company’s website does state that it is, “Molded & painted to look like [a] wooden handle with [a] blood stained steel blade.” I.e., not vac-metallized.

Still, there was that one spot… Figuring I had lost out, I did something rash: I scratched it VERY FUCKING HARD, for an extended amount of time, directly over and adjacent to the offending spot. Multiple times. Nothing. Nothing at all. It makes me wonder how that damage occurred in the first place. I’m genuinely in awe of the tenacity of this alleged paint. Meaning, I’m inclined to believe them.

I mentioned that this has a back. How exactly is that the case? There’s a roughly half-dollar-sized raised area, on one side. I imagine it has something to do with the manufacturing process. It certainly forces the hand of anyone who wants to display it, or take pictures with it. You’ll also have to hope that if you have any bare spots, they’re on the same side as the circle. I recommend purchasing it at the source, or from a seller that only has one of them, and the pictures show that the blade is still wrapped in its plastic bag, not simply nakedly attached to the backing card.

There was a bit of flash, in the hole of the blade, but I was able to swiftly remove it with no hassle. It pays to know that this is distressingly hollow. Though, that’s likely a boon, as again, it is quite massive. A review on their site says that it feels good in the hand, in spite of that; I completely agree. Another says that they managed to break it, “by the end of the night.” Yeah, it’s hollow, but I can only imagine it breaking if it was actually able to reach terminal velocity from a drop onto concrete…or, were they were deliberately hitting things and/or people with it? Don’t do that. I genuinely shouldn’t have to say that, but I know that I must. Bear in mind that non-human animals are people, and that this is for individuals 14+.

Also, don’t run your finger along the edge, as there are some very resilient burrs present. They aren’t big enough to draw the eye, but they are big enough to scratch someone. I’m glad of the former, because I would not recommend sanding this. That’d definitely remove paint.

I feel compelled to mention the gradient of the blood. It’s a deep plum, at its darkest, and ruggedly pink at its peak. I approve.

Having stress-tested the paint to the extreme degree that I did, I have to admit that this is paradoxically nice, in spite of its numerous considerations. It’s comically big, but it’s kitschy fun. Unlike that other piece of shit. Still, I may start finding paint flakes the next time I clean my cabinets, so I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Whether that’s years, or simply months.

Just shy of June 2024 and we're still good. I'd say this is second to the Dolanus in terms of pieces I'm happy to keep, having left Silent Hill. It really is just a fun thing to heft, or simply see while walking by my cabinets.

Disguise Cleaver (2015)

I intend to have the camera issue sorted, for next year.
For now, I expect what I always expect: for you to (ultimately) make up your own damn mind. 

This is a case of a seller using pictures of a piece that is in better condition than the one that they end up sending you. It happens.

The paint on mine is pockmarked, marred, and inconsistent. All over, but notably on the spine. That’s where the only support rod resides, meaning the vast majority of the blade has a wobbly feel, in the weirdest of ways. Part of me wants to compare it to a slice of meat—a portion of filleted fish, to be 100% precise.

The handle has a few ‘cracks.’ I.e., places where the foam has split. This is honestly exactly the thing I was afraid of, when I was first purchasing foam weapons. But, they haven’t grown/gotten worse, over time.

YOU KNOW WHAT?!? I am sick and fucking tired of rationalizing everything. If something sucks, I'm going to say it sucks. This thing pisses me off. It's in horrible shape, and that's the seller's fault; not mine. I pay attention to feedback and reputation; I take careful note of the pictures used. This is not the one that was pictured. It does indeed happen, but that doesn't mean I have to be okay with it.

This is shit. Looks like shit. Feels like shit. Shitty shit shit.

0 out of 5,

X-Men '97 Wolverine Claws (2023)

 

Spirit, you spoil me~

You’re going to have to examine them carefully, because the three pairs at the first store I visited were scuffed-up pretty grievously. The next only had one set. They aren’t flawless, but none of my blades are. Compared to the ones at the initial stop, these are pristine. The sculpting is exactly what I’d expect. Top marks. They can flex side to side, but only if you’re applying that vector of force, to them. Even then, shaking your hand sideways barely causes them to move. They’re exactly as sturdy as I’d like them to be. They’re a dream, in this regard.

Their business length (i.e., past the knuckle curves) is 11’’.

As previously mentioned, my hands are decently large. These work, but with an important caveat: If I want them to properly hug the top curve of my hand, for pictures making them appear as if they are protruding from the skin on the back of my hand, I have to grip them with the lower parts of my fingers, at a higher position, as opposed to just holding the bars. In point of fact, the space provided for a person’s knuckles is too big for me, which is weird, because I figured these were made for kids. Even as someone who cracks his knuckles, I don’t innately fill them out. But, the effect is achievable.

The bars look pretty small (which is why I thought they were for kids), but holding onto them fully, knuckle-gaps be damned, is perfectly comfortable. It’s exactly how I’ve always imagined a pair would feel. Usually, when people have made their own, or gotten them from Etsy, plain metal or wooden bars are used. I am so ridiculously pleased that thought went into the fact that these will be sitting on a shelf, most of the time.

Will there be a second release, with his brown and yellow costume, in mind?

Could I get a set of bone claws with wifebeater-white and denim-patterned paint? Please?!


I’m not going to lie, purchasing these is invariably a gamble. You can kinda squeeze yourself in, to grip the bars, a little bit, when they’re strapped to the cardboard, but not fully. Not without wrecking the board. Don’t be that guy. Accept that these are a dice-roll. I’m enough of a whackjob fanboy nutter to have taken the chance. Partially because these are probably the best I'm going to find on a retail shelf, for the foreseeable future.

No, do not bring up Marvel’s equivalent of Decade/Gokaiger, to me.

Now, excuse me while I go order those Jubilee glasses…SOLD OUT. SON OF A…


4 Movies They Will Never Erase, No Matter How Hard They Try out of 5

Ju(n)da Toys Swat Team: Swat 9mm Pistol (mfg. 2023)

 

If you're going to get one of these, you're going to want to put some thought into how it will end up leaving your possession. I would NOT recommend donating it. Further, know that I have never answered the door with it in my hand. Heed that advice yourself. Don't respond to the bell with a Wiimote in your grasp, either.

I'm going to excise my ramblings, leaving nothing but my assessment of the piece itself, since I have parted with all of my Silent Hill media.

I was glad when the blue of the Dolanus pistol was darker than it appears in promotional photography, but this, THIS is what I’ve had in mind on this quest. It’s so goddamn good, man. Yes, I attempted to crudely color-correct the photo. It's deep blue, but looks alarmingly lighter under a flash, is the salient point. What you see is not only how it looks in my subterranean abode, but also how it appeared, in store.

It’s a similar mold to Spirit’s, but slightly more resilient. I would still avoid dropping it, but it genuinely does feel more sturdy. The battery door is actually flush with the bottom of the grip, on this one. That’s a definite aesthetic improvement. The sound seems similar to the orange’s audio clip, which is better than the black one's. I'm going based on memory for the latter comparison; if I'm wrong, tough.

THE SLIDE MOVES WHEN YOU PULL THE TRIGGER, JUST LIKE THE DOLANUS!!! And, it can actually be clicked into place, for display. DUDE!!!

There were two stickers on opposite sides to one another, on the barrel: One branding it, “Swat Team - Swat Play Set,” and one with manufacturing information. Peculiarly, it added an ’n’ to Juda Toys’ name. They came off cleanly with no hassle whatsoever. So did the price sticker slapped over the original valuation. Selling it for a dollar more than intended? Cheeky bastards. Even still, it was half the price of the others! What the hell, Spirit? It's almost like you're owned by a large corporate entity 😝

If you're buying this for a young person, I must mention that...whatever the hell this thing is, was in the box, as well:

Seriously, what is this? There's a warning for small objects on the box, yes, but this is the only small object, since the battery door is (insanely well) screwed on. I dunno. Adults and older folks should remove the item from the box, and dispose of thiiiis thiiiiing, before handing it over to the intended recipient 😦

Regardless of that weirdness, it's great, if you're in the market for this exact type of thing.

I fucking love bootleg toys 😂😂😂

Dolanus Summer Party Water Pistol (mfg. 2023)

I'm going to excise my ramblings, leaving nothing but my assessment of the piece itself, since I have parted with all of my Silent Hill media.

I have already been to multiple Spirit stores, this year. It’s crazy how early they chose to open. But, believe me, I am not complaining! From what I’ve seen of their wares, it appears that they are no longer selling the black M92Fs, only safety orange.

I completely understand.

I absolutely bought one, because I thought it may well have been my only recourse. Wouldn’t stick, so here we are.

I have to say that the world of watergun sales is an absolutely wild one. I almost think…well, you know the rest of this sentence. Weird text, almost every seller having suspiciously low feedback, different listings disappearing and showing up every day…

WTF.

There’s almost nothing wrong with this one, if you can manage to find the damn thing. It was the exact same price as Spirit’s, but the plastic is so incredibly dense, in comparison. Plus, you get three clips! They leak, EVER SO SLIGHTLY. Like a random, individual drop will show itself, here and there; not at all constantly. I hope you’re not thinking about playing inside with a watergun, to begin with. Both fill them up and play with this outside, IN YOUR YARD, NOT IN PUBLIC.

THE TOP MOVES WHEN YOU SHOOT!!!
No, I don’t know firearm anatomy, tyvm. The slide, it seems?

The spring mechanism holding in the clips doesn’t FEEL great, when being pressed, but it is surprisingly effective…unless you’re a lefty. Even then, just don’t squeeze the grip super hard. Once you have a clip drop out on you, you’ll be aware of how to handle it. And, unlike those translucent ones sold with other (usually battery-powered) waterguns, these won’t break from a person-level drop. As someone who has owned and reviewed a lot of toys, I’m telling you, the plastic is great. I was reliably able to get 40 shots from each. I’m impressed, based on the waterguns I’ve previously had in my life.

There is one bit of marketing exaggeration afoot: Those hilariously photoshopped pictures claim that it can shoot up to 32’. I would say it’s about 10’, at best. I’m fine with that, now, and I feel like I would have been fine with that when I was a child, too. If you’re not, then you’ll have to go with another item. *shrug*

The tip, the…ejection port (fancy~), and the trigger are orange. Also, the plugs on the bottom of the clips. Obviously, that wasn’t enough to bother me, as opposed to the other one, which was entirely orange, except for the trigger.

It’s a VERY nice size. I have decently large hands, and it honestly feels a bit big, in them. Good times!

I was happy with it for the short time that it was on display, and I’m honestly over the moon with it, now having actually used it! It's the piece of faux-weaponry I'm most jazzed about keeping, in the wake of saying goodbye to Silent Hill. Yeah, they sell pink ones, but this is a rare case where that just isn't the preferable option for me. I adore this more than I ever imagined I would.